I don’t feel so good about myself, and I don’t think my liver likes me much right now. You know how it is when you’re not too crazy about yourself, and in an effort to improve things, you cut off one thing from your life that you believe living without would (eventually, and sometimes instantly) make you a better person? Yeah, that’s what I’m going through right now and I’m having a crisis.
Crisis how what why huh. Put simply, I don’t know what to give up. Or something. Sure, I’ve got a pretty nice collection of bad habits and vices (cigarettes. Rum. Nailbiting. Coffee. Emotionally-unavailable men. Diets. Holding in my pee. Throwing money at people whilst saying “Kaya kita bilhin, eto o!”. Drunken drama. Sniffing rugby. Snorting through my nose with a bendable straw Valium I crushed with used-up internet cards The next useless weight loss diet. Jesus Christ), none of which I can bear to part with.
So I don’t know (what else is new). I told myself detoxing this week would do me some good, and I even momentarily contemplated on giving up coffee and maybe cutting down on my smoking. I actually want an apple right now, but I don’t know where to get one; and some white tea to calm my tummy. ANYWAY. Detox, this week, right? And then come the weekend, I’m back to boozing up, so that kinda just cancels out one week of kinda-healthy living. What to do what to do what to do. I’m thinking of not drinking this weekend, but that’s like shooting rubberbands at the stars or some equally emo shit like that. A friend said he’d keep me from drinking if we push through with meeting up on Saturday and that’s a nice thought, really, but I’m an Addict and an Alcoholic (quoting A Million Little Pieces now) and I know alcohol can’t resist me.
Srsly though, I feel ill and if keeping sober for one week will prevent me from having another Monday like yesterday’s, I’d gladly hole myself up in Antipolo and spend the weekend laughing at people at TristanCafe.
But really, I don’t think I have a drinking problem. It’s how I am when I’m drunk that is a problem. There are
two three ways I can drive away people: my drama, my drunkenness, and my drunken drama. Those three never fail me.
If anything, Aa is here and that makes me happy. Too bad I can’t call in sick for work.