Dear Mr Supervisor,

Let me start this by saying that I think you are major hotness. Now a lot of people would disagree with me on this. Truth be told, when I first confessed to a “good” friend that I had a crush on you, he shook his head in disbelief, poked my arm several times, and called my taste in men ‘disgusting’. Don’t worry and please, put that rusty serrated knife away. I know what he said stings, but you must understand that said “good” friend is gay and his last boyfriend cheated on him. Also, I sucked beaurocracy cock and had said “good” friend fired. For you.

But yes, you are hot. Unconventionally deliciously hot. But don’t get me wrong. What I feel for you is not lust; rather, it is something pure and true. You know, like how I feel for Taylor Hanson and Mark Herras? Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean you don’t cause a stirring in my loins whenever you pass my workstation and ever-so-lightly touch my shoulder. I do wish, though, that you’d stop holding my hand and smelling my hair and kissing my cheek “hello”, as I am a very carnal person and the last thing I wanna do is lose my control. So yeah, stop that.

No, please don’t. Your doing so gives me the giddies. And makes my heart soar. And inspires me to do something for the benefit of mankind. Like boycott the diamond industry. Or stop hissing at nuns. Or at least stop telling fat people to stop eating. I digress.

I also think you’re awesome, though a bit offbeat. I mean, what kind of person comes to the office when it’s his day off from work? Plus, you’re almost forty and you still do the rock-and-roll hand sign (with your tongue sticking out). And you have Bible study. LOL. But it’s your little quirks that make me swooooon. And I find it cute that you tried to write porn as a thirteen-year old, and it sucks that the only reason you stopped writing is cos your cousin and folks found your stories. But hope is not lost! It’s not too late to start writing again! WE! can make porn stories. TOGETHER!

Also, I wrote you a song:

You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about ya all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious
And hell yeah I’m the motherfucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right

Now I’m off to sue Avril Lavigne’s ass for plagiarizing my lyrics.

In love and Jesus Christ,
Amen