One of the things that motivate me The only thing that motivates me to go to work nowadays is the one-peso vendo-machine coffee high-speed internet (and spanking brand new HP L1940T flatscreen monitors and HP Compaq, uh, processors) that our office provides us with. Of course, if you’re a good employee (like me), you know that this ultra-awesome connection should only be utilized for browsing and accessing work-related and business-related websites.

Unfortunately, because the world is corrupt and evil and is powered by a master pimp named xxxSataNxxx, us good employees eventually stray from the virtuous path of making use of magazines and books to keep ourselves partially sane during the nine hours that we are chained to our desks and phones by a headset. Of course, there exists the alternative of engaging in mindless chatter and banter with our co-workers, but I would honestly rather stab herself in the head with a spoon than carry a conversation with people who pepper their sentences with the words ‘Churvax’ and ‘Churfur’.

(Truth is, they all ignore me now because last I attempted to socialize with them, I called this girl named Rudelyn a cockface and they kinda didn’t like that.)

So I strayed. It was hard at first, not because I have a conscience but because our IT department’s head technician is Chuck Norris. Gais, meet Chuck Norris (and no, I can’t promise he won’t kill you):

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Are you ready?

THE CHUCK NORRIS OF IT.

But because I rock (see what I did there? I just avoided saying “because I sucked his cock”), Chuck Norris ain’t got shit on me. YA HEAR THAT CHUCK? Mighty men may quiver and tremble in fear at the mere mention of your name, but not I!

So anyways, thanks to my SK1LLZ, I am able to access this awesome social-networking website that seems almost completely devoid of internet scum (also known as people who have Friendster accounts cluttered with media boxes and stupid animated gifs) here at work. In order to protect said awesome social-networking website’s internet scum-free atmosphere and uphold its sanctity, I shall not disclose the website’s name. A clue, though: it begins with the letter F and ends in ACEBOOK.

And because it’s about time I head to the drugstore downstairs to stock up on laxatives, I present! MY TOP FIVE FACEBOOK APPLICATIONS! Yay!

WarBook is serious business. It’s so serious that I know the direct link to the game by heart (optimus dot freewebz dot com slash kingdom). It’s so serious that those assholes (also known as enemy lands) will choose to assrape your kingdom and steal your gold EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE HOT.

Gais, I’d like you to meet my hero:

Helga The Weber
Level 11 Magician
Attack: 9
Defense: 8
Spell Power: 6

If you’re a geek or a nerd or simply someone who spends most his time on a text-based internet game and you come across such a hot Level 11 mage, you’d leave her alone, right? Hell, you’d not only leave her alone— you’d send her half your army and maybe 100k in gold. But no. Because WarBook is serious business, this is what you do:

Tomented Soul’s fireball rips through your lands, annihilating 358 soldiers, 87 knights, 514 pikemen, and 296 elites.

Tomented Soul’s fireball rips through your lands, annihilating 243 soldiers, 59 knights, 348 pikemen, and 201 elites.

Tomented Soul says: Dare to play magic with me ? lets see the result !!

Tomented Soul’s fireball rips through your lands, annihilating 358 soldiers, 87 knights, 514 pikemen, and 296 elites.

Your kingdom is under attack by the forces of Tomented Soul! You lost 515 men in the battle. You failed to defend your lands, losing 10 acres and 1 gold.

In WarBook, chivalry is dead; you woo the wimmens with assholery.

I discovered Pet Sabotage through Drew. Unfortunately, by the time I had joined the game and went hunting for Drew’s pet, his Cock Chupa was already dead. Oh snap snap snap.

The game goes like this: you have a pet. Other people have pets. You kill their pets. You make sure they don’t kill your pet.

When I got Platypusizzle, I posted on Twitter that anyone who dares touch him will be murdered. Apparently, that went over someone’s head:

I just choke slammed Helga’s pet platypus in Facebook’s Pet Sabotage. I’ve haven’t been awesomed by an app this much since Bros vs. Hos.

Also, throwing mangoes at my pet is not an act of kindness. Thanks:

I thought throwing mangoes would feed the little fucker. Who the hell gets injured by mangoes? FTW.

I honestly don’t get the logic behind this application, but I like having a ho named BRIT BRIT Y’ALL! on my profile page.

For some odd reason, I can’t post on people’s The Walls, Superwalls, and Graffitti boards at work. Thank goodness for the Funwall, I can hone my artistic skills and spam the lover’s page with doodles masterpieces like:

Meet my pet tofu, Machiavelli. And no, it’s not invisible, asshole. As y’all know, Chuck Norris hates all things fluffy and cute, so the (fluff)Friend application doesn’t load AT ALL. I apparently don’t rock enough.

My pet tofu hails from Helga’s heart, PI, is on Facebook looking for munny, and enjoys activities such as soaking up alcohol. It’s my little square and it’s frickin’ awesome for a little fucker. SO GET A (FLUFF)FRIEND AND PET AND FEED MY MACHIAVELLI! Thanks to Dante, Niki, and Iggy.

I can’t believe I spent my lunch hour writing this entry.