MINI-PLAN.

November 8, 2007 at 1:38 am | Filed under a waste of human capital, mr wonderful

Helga: So Allah and I were talking about you this morning and we both agreed that you’re *mahinhin.
Lover: WHAT?!
Helga: -nods- Yup.
Lover: I’m mahinhin?! I got you in bed the first night!

(Posted here to publicly announce that lover is a stud and not a *girly boy)

SO ANYWAY. In a random yet blazing moment of clarity that hit me at a little before 9pm, Monday night— while shoveling some korean chicken barbecue and rice into my mouth and thinking about the bibingka I was going to have for dessert, mind you. It’s awesome how my brain multi-tasks— I realized: it’s about time I seriously leave this job and this industry. And when I say ’seriously’, it means with genuine, earnest intent.

But first: rack up some qualifications and take formal courses on whatever it is I wanna do. And then I can start being a normal person. But first, I shall look at these loose diamonds.

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NORMALCY: I WILL HAS IT.

November 6, 2007 at 2:36 am | Filed under mr wonderful, the helga manual

Last Saturday was horrendous: not only did lover drag me to Jaipur, he also forced me to wear a bra. What a cruel, I know. That, however, is not the point. Early into the night, as we were seated at Jack’s, lover asked why I was being “so quiet”. Not wanting to confess that I had been thinking about WarBook and cephalopod footprint fossils and counting bases and eggshells ON A SATURDAY NIGHT OUT WITH HIM, I merely gave him a shrug and said that I was getting impatient waiting for my drink. After more minutes of silence from me, he asked if I could see myself interacting with the other girls who were at the table with us.

I looked at the girls (still thinking about WarBook and cephalopod footprint fossils and counting bases and eggshells), looked at lover, looked down at my hands, and then looked back at lover. I sheepishly shook my head ‘no’.

He laughs, quite condescendingly, then proceeds to tell me that I’ve been corrupted by my flatmates. And that I’m no longer normal.

ME, WITHOUT MY WIG & MAKE-UP, HANGING OUT IN THE BATHROOM.

Now the thing is, I am very aware that my friends and I are one dysfunctional bunch and that we tend to influence each other’s behaviors and personalities more than we care to admit. But I see myself to be the normalest and most reserved among us because unlike them, I still have my inhibitions. Thus, I am actually normal…when compared to them.

This doesn’t really pose as a problem because save for lover, they’re the only people I hang out with anyway. I’ve long given up on trying to make friends out of my co-workers (those people who give me blank stares and surreptitiously shuffle away whenever I say hi to them) and all my college friends seem to be pretty determined not to invite me to their little collegy reunions for fear that I might do something not normal and embarrass them. I mean Christ!— four years have passed since I humiliated Clem at her 18th birthday party by chasing her around barefoot and shrieking “Titi! Titi!”. Get over it and forgive me?

Moving forward, I like to lead myself into thinking that I’ve hit the jackpot with my current friends. Not only are they totally cool and amazingly intelligent people, they also fill the two qualifications I need in friends: one, they have to be borderline alcoholics; two, they have to live in my area. Yup, I’m happy with my pals. But being told by the person you love (and who supposedly loves you) that you’re NOT normal? It kinda makes you stop, think, and re-assess.

So when I woke up on Sunday, it was with great resolve that I shall be normal. Or attempt to be normal. After failing to bug the lover to a state of consciousness (because I was bored on a Sunday morning and needed someone to talk to), I got out of bed, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and started making a mental list of steps to take towards normalcy. I named the list “STEPS TO TAKE TOWARDS NORMALCY”.

Twelve seconds later, it hit me that normal people don’t do what I was doing.

Feeling guilty for failing so quickly, I went back to bed and prayed. I figured that that’s what normal people do on Sundays. And then I carried on with my list:

STEPS TO TAKE TOWARDS NORMALCY (rough draft)

1. I will stop speaking LOLkittynese. There is nothing more not normal than bad grammar and misspelling such basic words like ‘why’ (whai), ‘like’ (liek), ‘there’ (thurr), and ‘liar’ (lier).

2. I will not be pre-occupied by WarBook 95% of the time. Not only is it unhealthy, it’s just so…geeky, and in a bad way. The other day, I impulsively gave lover a hug and instead of telling him how sexy he is, I said: “WARBOOK!!!!”

3. Find a new less-shitty and worth-the-stress-and-exhaustion job.

(Huh, where’d that come from? Look, emergency evacuation!)

4. No more cracking jokes that only cause people to stare at me in horror. I will normalify my sense of humor and never again shall I think that randomly inserting Sheryl Cruz into a conversation is funny.

And that’s my super short list. I know it’s not much, but I’m kinda not sure if having a list with more than four items in it is normal?

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RANDOM CHEESE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW.

November 2, 2007 at 11:59 pm | Filed under camwhorage, memes and such

Hi, my name is Helga and my face in that photo up there is what I usually look like when I’m in a good mood. Just in case you’re a bit stupid, I’m the one in the brown hoodie.

It’s Friday, I’m in love. Not necessarily in a good mood, not necessarily focused, not necessarily in tip-top shape.

SO ANYWAY, BECAUSE I AM PERPETUALLY DISTRACTED BY WARBOOK AND NOW, MARS 2025, I’ll go down Lame Lane and do a meme.

But before I do, a question: how do you pronounce ‘meme’? Because I say ‘meeem’ and if you pronounce it any other way, YOU ARE WRONG.

Appetizer
How much money do you plan to spend this upcoming holiday season?
— Um. My whole 13th-month pay?

Soup
What was the last television show you watched, and was it good?
— Euromaxx on some local tv station. It’s something I can watch in complete silence. Meaning: no running commentary on how moronic the show is.

Salad
If you had to paint the walls of your living room tomorrow, what color would you choose?
— My landlords are a couple of assholes (who need to go in for acne treatments) and this is a lame question.

Main Course
Name something clever or practical you have thought of that should be invented, but hasn’t yet.
— YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AWESOME? If goddamn workforce just did it’s fucking job correctly and be able to accurately forecast our call volume BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING FORCED TO CUT OUR LUNCH HOUR IN HALF TO RENDER OVERTIME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Dessert
List 3 things you would like to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday season.
— a Lomo Fisheye
— a taser
— a sunny day

I hate this job.

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