HEY THERE BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S FOUR DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS! FOUR DAYS BEFORE SANTA SHOWS HIS FACE IN TOWN!!! WHO’S EXCITED???
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!
HO HO HO HO! I WANT ME SOME HO HO HO HOES!
I didn’t come up with a Christmas wishlist this year (I don’t think I came up with one last year, either) and I’m not about to. Instead, I bring you:
#1: Useless Figurines
One of the things I will never understand is why people give out figurines as gifts. I admit, though, that when I was ten, I gave my mom an angel magnet resin for Christmas (my dad threw it away because figurines have little demons behind them, just like the statues of Mother Mary and Santo Nino you have on your altars at home have little satans and demons crouched behind them, too. And when you pray to them during Angelus or before bedtime, you’re actually praying to the demons. Oh yes. I had nightmares about a Mother Mary figurine killing me in my sleep. But he broke it— the angel magnet— into a million little pieces first. In front of me) and that was during her Imma-collect-all-the-angels-in-heaven-and-put-them-on-this-shelf-beside-the-living-room-TV phase. They’re despicable cutesy things that do nothing but gather dust, and the only purpose they hold (that I can think of) is as paperweight. And quite honestly, I use random objects like my foot to pin paper to the surfaces I choose to put them on. Or a mug. And speaking of mugs…
#2: Mugs
Our family consists of four human beings: my mom, my dad, my brother, and this Helga person. Only this Helga person drinks coffee. This Helga person does not live with the rest of her family. So tell me: why does this family have close to 20 ceramic mugs gathering dust in random places in their cluttered kitchen?
It’s not like they have coffee-drinking visitors over, either. Because their kitchen cabinets are completely lacking of coffee (this is also one of the reasons why this Helga person doesn’t live with her folks).
Also: I share an apartment with two other girls. We each have only one mouth each. We have, last I checked, five coffee mugs. We don’t need any more.
#3: Picture Frames
Unless there’s a camera stashed somewhere in the box the picture frame’s coming from, don’t bother, really. Same goes for:
#4: Photo Albums
#5 Candles
For the love of all things good and holy…I have no use for candles. Do you? We don’t often have power outages at home and when we do, they last, like, ten seconds and usually happens during the day. I’m serious.
And if, by some unfortunate turn of events, we lose power for more than ten seconds at night, I’ll probably choose to light one of those cheapie five-peso unscented undecorated white candles I can buy from our neighborhood sari-sari store.
#6: The Purpose-Driven Life
I will sincerely, genuinely, honestly, and gladly introduce your throat to my steak knife (his name’s Gordon, would you like to be formally introduced?) if you give me a copy of this book. I already know and have my answer to the “What on earth am I here for?” question. I have several, actually:
“To go through life without reading The Purpose-Driven Life.”
“To rule the world with a remote control from the comforts of my living room.”
“To embezzle enough money to turn the whole continent of Africa orange by covering the terrain with twenty-peso bills.”
Merry Christmas, I’m gathering enough balls to not come to work tonight and come in on Monday with my resignation letter.
Hi, my name's Helga Weber and welcome to my personal site. I'm 23. My first socio-political scandal will happen at the age of 35 and will include men, sushi, an African country, and lots of money. My lover is the greatest. 
[...] DITZ-REVOLUTION.NET placed an interesting blog post on HELGAâS CHRISTMAS UN-WISHLIST 2007.Here’s a brief overview [...]
You mean you won’t like the phallic-shaped candle I bought for youz? :(
Does it vibrate?
damnit, ade beat me to the joke. Blah.
ha! Someone gave hawk that stupid book for Christmas last year. We through that shit away.
Yay! I’m excited about Christmas now, lol! :D
Damnit and those were the easiest gifts to give too!
Helga,
I love your figurine pictures :) They are pretty nice.
Merry Christmas Helga! Those items are on my unwish list too. :) Dont go to work so we can drink later!
and just in case you havent figured out that I
don’t have a life to speak ofstalk you for a living, not only do I remember your stylist, I can name guys you used to be emotionally attached to and the songs associated with them on the Oh Well playlist hahaha just kidding =pOne time I wrote down in a piece of paper to whomever was my secret santa to give me any EXCEPT a Barbie….guess what I got.. FRIKEN BARBIE!
All I can say is thank god for gift cards because it’s just like giving money with a fancy design.
Wow…I’ve gotten almost every single one of those before as a gift.
btw, I love your layout on your front page..its so perfect
When I worked in a DVD/CD store people used to come in and buy ‘The Secret’ DVD… which is kind of like The Purpose Driven Life I think. LAMEEEE.
I want some mugs though.
Why do you have to write something like this when I was actually thinking of writing an article about gift suggestions this Christmas? Now I have to delete it from my drafts and burn our house so I can start afresh.
Why do you have to write something like this when I was actually thinking of writing an article about gift suggestions this Christmas? Now I have to delete it from my drafts and burn our house down so I can start afresh.
Money is always the sure-fire gift 8D … for me, anyhow.
I’d be happy with just a peso or two. Just. Stop. With. The. Figurines. I just give them away. Figurines mean constant re-gifting. =___=
omigosh! I love those candles! Yea, I have no use for candles either. Usually mine just sit around and collect dust and eventually lose the oh so sweet smell I fell in love with. *frowns*
MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR you sexay mama!!!!
Merry Christmas Helga!! ^__^
muha haa, you are too funny! merry christmas!
I would like to print this post and give this to humans.
Last time I got a mug for Christmas, I tossed it at the videoke machine and I told everybody in the room to go fuck themselves. Just sharing. Happy Holidays!
And my gift isn’t on this list because I read before I bought. Again, you are not fat, ya hear?!
You made me laugh helga. lol.
YES! i should be a better blogger! lol. i have no integrity whatsoever concerning my blog! sorry, helga! i updated na! =P i might update again lol jk
i used to love those useless figurines. not anymore, i guess, cuz they’re useless and they break easily lol. i like porcelain dolls better haha.
i got that book. the purpose driven life. never read it. lol. i gave it to my mom instead.
anyway, happy new year! and uh, belated merry christmas. lol
helga!
i miss you. =(
keep in touch - katrina.abscbn@gmail.com
i wish you a more cheerful holiday than what i’m stuck with. heh.
kaye. (mc, seatmate, first class, first year college - harhar)
Happy New Year, Helga!
dammit I hate figurines, mugs, & picture frames, too. I’m OK with scented candles as long as they’re not fug & more preferably if they’re Dyptique LOL.