behind the scenes

My Five Rules for Naming (My) Kids

It’s been a rough week for lover and me (a-ha, quick grammar lesson I picked up from Board X! When using “___ and me” or “___ and I”, the rule is, the “me” or “I” should make sense when the other person— represented by the blank— is removed), but I got over it and ended the week with a bang. By “a bang”, I, of course, mean A Much Needed Drink (Or Two. Or Three. Oh Who Am I Kidding, I Had Too Many).

Unfortunately, things are yet to get better for lover and it pains (whatta word) me that all I can do is show him my boobies and have goofy LOLcat cybersex with him to give him his happies. BAH. This morning, I kinda-drunk international-dialed him and this wouldn’t be a big deal and wouldn’t even merit a sentence in this blog had it not been the first time I heard his voice in almost two months (so sexeh, hiz voice!). It’s tough, folks, but I’m managing.

Over a year ago, Chris Brogan posted a list of 100 blog topics “I hope YOU write about”. It’s a long ass list and most of the topics are beyond my scope of interest (social media? Branding? Uh…blogging? What is this “blogging” thing you speak of?), so I do not hope to cover all 100 topics. I’ll definitely keep this in mind for days when I am in need of blog fodder.

Today’s blog topic is very random, as it is a very random Sunday. By the way, what’s YOUR favorite Alicia Keys song? Here’s ours:

Helga: On The Wings of Love!
Allah: Wind Beneath My Wings!
Drew: Got To Believe In Magic!

Today, I give you my five rules for naming (my) kids (don’t worry, these rules have yet to be applied outside a Sims 2 setting).

1. Merging the dad’s and mom’s names is just wrong, gaudy, and totally not clever. In highschool, I had an insane crush on a guy named Rodmyr. Can you guess his folks’s names?

2. Not really a rule, but more like a pre-caution: have a name ready and make sure the nurse on duty is writing down the correct name. A former co-worker of mine is named Baby Regina. I’ve heard of a dude named Baby Boy.

3. The name has to be a…well, a full (aka REAL) name and not a nickname. I once met a girl named just Fe (and I no longer recall her last name, but it was pretty short, too. Like, three letters short), a just Dondy, a just Bob, and a just Mafe. First thing that came to mind: “Where’s the rest of your name?” How lazy were their parents? My pets have longer names.

4. Do not get creative with the spelling. Call me traditional, but I don’t see the need to be fucking around with otherwise okay-ly spelled names. Keeyauh? Alyxandreea? Marijayne? Qchristopher? Ccamryn?

5. Do not be trendy or “clever” when it comes to naming your kid. “Heaven” was bad enough a name. “Nevaeh” is punishment (of course, this is just preference. If you find those names cute…um). I also fail to grasp the logic behind names with apostrophes. Say’Yonce? Ramse’s? Asia’h? Da’nyelle? Makena’lei? W’H’Y’???

(All names mentioned in #4 and #5 can be found here. Just dig around a bit.)

What are your rules for naming (your) kids?

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  • Reply Juice March 31, 2008 at 12:12 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! THIS POST JUST COULDN’T STOP LOL-ING ME!! Either I’m really nuts, this post is really funny, or I’m just on essay dope. But srsly, I like so laughed so much.

  • Reply kristine March 31, 2008 at 12:17 am

    Don’t name them after exes. Yours or his. Or current significant others of those exes, viz., an ex left me for a Hannah. Naming my kid (or pet, or plant) with such name is only tempting me to drown the poor baby.

  • Reply Britney March 31, 2008 at 3:18 am

    I agree about the weird spellings. They often just look… weird. Like I once knew of a girl who’s name was Krystyna.

  • Reply TiFF March 31, 2008 at 4:25 am

    My rules of naming children:

    – Don’t give your kid a name with three or more syllables. It’s just too much to say, esp when you’re trying yell their name at a distance.

    – Don’t name your kids after a Mortal Kombat character, such as Sub-Zero, Scorpion, etc. It has happened before.

    – I’m not really crazy about names that are considered “exotic” either: Shasta, Safira, Furocious (I kid you not), Zakira, etc.

  • Reply J March 31, 2008 at 5:33 am

    Haha great post! Too bad international calls are too spendy and you can’t just have regular phone sex, which is actually not so bad. You can always have him leave you a sexy message on your voice mail. My lover did that for me two years ago or so and I still have it on my phone and listen to it when he’s at work.

    I have heard of at least two babies named Nevaeh by young moms and it is so gross. If you have heard of Freakonomics, that book has a chapter on how your name effects your whole life mainly via stereotypes. There is a part I found especially interesting about how names are passed down through the classes. The upper class name their kids, and then the next group of poor kids is named those names because those names sound successful. Really though, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that if you name your baby Divine or Shaniqua, people will think she’s an idiot.

    I do hate really basic names though. Like Jonathon or something. Like, why give your kid a name everyone has?

    Oh I hate Alicia Keys…

  • Reply John Steven March 31, 2008 at 7:29 am

    Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K

  • Reply Joni March 31, 2008 at 9:28 am

    LOL! I agree with those rules.

    What I can’t stand is when people add an “H” to their nicknames like “Jhen” or “Mhike” or “Jhade”. The nasal sound the extra “h” brings is a bit annoying, although I know it’s supposed to be silent. Haha.

    Oops, I hope I didn’t offend anyone. :D

  • Reply Laarni March 31, 2008 at 11:09 am

    My only rule is to pick one word name, and not..

    Isaac Clarke
    Jordan Taylor
    Zachary Walker


    three word name is too much!!

    sayang lang ang pangalan pag masyadong madami, tapos ang tawag lang pala ay buboy.

    • Reply thegreatest April 1, 2008 at 5:59 am

      Heh, sorry but those names sound sooo…caucasian. Your brown kids will never live it down, lol.

  • Reply Laarni March 31, 2008 at 11:10 am

    WAIT! are you pregnant??? lolz.

    • Reply Helga March 31, 2008 at 5:50 pm

      Lol, no.

  • Reply Baddie March 31, 2008 at 11:55 am

    One of my rules for naming my daughters is never use the names of the girls I was romantically involved with. That’ll be weird.

  • Reply Melle March 31, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    This post was the best I have seen all weekend! But awww…My full name is a merger of my parents names. I only dislike it when people say: Oh your first and last name are virtually the same thing. =[ LOL, I felt so dissed when I read that part. It kinda sucked. Haha! Okay, it only sucked for like .3344353451 seconds. I’m fine now. =] Of course, I just want to name my children after people who have really influenced my life in a positive way. No common names like: “Daniel”, “James”, “Michael”, “Chelsea”, or “Ashley”. I have had the WORST of luck with people with those names.

  • Reply Ade March 31, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    Alyxandreea? WTF?

  • Reply Laarni March 31, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    btw, thanks for the grammar lesson.

  • Reply sarah March 31, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    whenever my bf starts off a conversation that has something to do with babies and of the parents (his and mine) wanting to have little kiddies running around during family reunions, i tell him i want our first baby (whether boy or girl) to be named Indiana Jones….usually shuts him up

  • Reply Christine March 31, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    I am so guilty of wanting to combine parents names lol but hey i came up with a pretty cute name. Ellabeth I hate those old names like Victoria why would you name your child that?

  • Reply utakGAGO March 31, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    I actually saw my niece’s class picture and saw, at the back of the photograph, a girl named CKRZXY or CKRXZY (and my niece told me it’s CRIZZY for crissake, goddamit).

    I bet her parents are wicked sick.

  • Reply alohapenny April 1, 2008 at 2:13 am

    Yeah I don’t like weird letters in names too, my friend just had a baby she named Ziekh…uhm

  • Reply Tasha April 1, 2008 at 7:49 am

    those baby naming rules are funny! my baby name rule is, the first, middle and last name must flow!

    My first and middle is Tasha Nicole…it flows!

  • Reply Crystal April 1, 2008 at 8:12 am

    Maybe your lover should buy some international phone cards. I would think talking on the telly would be better than the internet.

    I’ve mainly only heard Alicia Key’s songs on the radio. I really like “Secrets”

    Good name rules, and I was laughing while reading them. I HATE ghetto names like Shaniqua!! I like names that are normal but not so common, something like Madison.

    • Reply Fredda April 2, 2008 at 8:02 pm

      Hi Helga. how about using skype in talking w/ your lover? I use skype in teaching my Korean students. I also used skype voice chat in chatting with my cyberfriends in the US before. it’s sooo clear. it almost feels like you’re beside the person.

      as for name rules, I will probably not give my child an aristocratic-sounding name like Francois-unless I’m married to a french- King Louis Ferdinand, or Marie Antoinette, esp. if the historical figure had a tragic life.

      I might change my mind however, if I actually marry into high society. ^^

      for a girl I’ll choose a name that sounds strong and independent, like my name “Fredda”. but definitely nothing too exotic or foreign-sounding

      I agree with what everyone said. I dislike messing up with the normal spelling like Kourtney or Jeykob. Likewise, the additional H is annoying me.

      my bestfriend in elementary is named Armaylyn. in Grade 6 she discovered that the spelling in her birth cert. was “Armhay-lynn”. Like your beef with the apostrophe, for me that name would’ve been better without the hyphen~

  • Reply keysi April 1, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Good thing we came up with a pretty name for our baby. :)

  • Reply opts April 1, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    I keep track of (100% real) strange names all the time.

    Some of my faves are Jimberly, Chellaby Anne, Mritzlee, Juchebeth, Chechenabeth, Conbhie … I could go on and on.

  • Reply Neil April 1, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    How about Xirxenrenxerxes? or Gerg Anrol? Or Gorgonio?

    And oh, you might as well preclude naming your kids with unnecessary H’s. Like Jhonatan. Jhessica. Jhong. Jherico. Bhong. Bhernadette. Hehlgah. Vholdhemhorhth.

  • Reply Juice April 1, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    My favorite Tita Cousin just named her newborn son Zucre. Like WTF!!!!!!!!! So disappointed.

  • Reply michelle April 2, 2008 at 10:16 am

    LMAO helga you never cease to amaze me. this blog post made me LOL like, FORREALZ!

    i agree about the mashing up the parents’ names. i’d make an exception if the kid’s name sounds acceptable. but introducing your kid as “marjenbelle” is so not cool.

    and the weird spelling of names and extra letters. it’s freaking retarded. i have a friend named ricialg. try to pronounce it. she told me it’s pronounced “rEESHel.” like wtf. that unnecessary “g” was a waste of space on her paper. i had this friend who spelled my name “mhichelle” in her phonebook. and there’s this one dude i know named bhoyet. WTF?? jhan, mehlanhie, ahnnie..LMAO.

    imagine typing this: hi helghah hahaha =P

  • Reply Katy April 2, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    I love that 100 topics I hope you write about” post too. I try get ideas from there when I have nothing to write about.

    The only thing I know about naming my kid is that the girl’s name has to start with a “K” and the buys name has to start with my future husband’s first letter of his name. Lol. So corny, but I don’t care. I like names beginning with “K” anyway. =P

  • Reply Kiera April 2, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    The only rule I have for naming my kids is that I don’t want plain names like Mary, Larry, or something super traditional.

    I know a girl whose name is An. That’s it. The first time I spelled her name I put two Ns and she quickly corrected me by saying it was just one. It kind seems like her name just trails off.

    • Reply thegreatest April 3, 2008 at 11:46 am

      LOL, funneh. I’ve yet to hear someone whose name trails off, but I’ll be sure to laugh my ass off when I do.

  • Reply GEEZ April 3, 2008 at 12:39 am

    something i want them to grow up to be. :)

    ~question LIGHT SOME PILLS? they really work??

  • Reply lene April 3, 2008 at 9:01 am

    oh god those are horrid names! I agree with those rules of yours, definitely. oh by the way thanks for that list of things to blog about, it’s going to be handy!

  • Reply Louise April 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    If you hate or dislike your parents, do NOT name them after them. Period.

    I think I can guess the names of Rodmyr’s parents…Rodney And Myrtle?

    • Reply thegreatest April 3, 2008 at 11:35 pm

      you give them too much credit, I’m thinkin more rodrigo/roderick/rodel & myrna

  • Reply Tracy April 4, 2008 at 1:23 am

    No rules. Nothing too exotic though. (Even my name is too exotic – in Germany)

  • Reply Connie April 4, 2008 at 4:45 am

    LOL @ my grammar lesson! I’m glad you learned from it. I didn’t know about it until I took Intro to Modern Grammar. Now I get completely annoyed when people misuse “me” and “I.”

    & I totally agree about the names. Serena Williams’s fashion like is called “Aneres.” I’m just glad she doesn’t have kids.

    You know what I hate most? When people decide to give their daughters guy names (and vice versa). I have two girl friends named Randy Joe and Ryan. Both of them are named after their dad. Guys named after girls is not so common, but Ashley Parker Angel? C’mon!

  • Reply Chase Ravndal April 4, 2008 at 10:51 am

    I know what you are feeling gurl! It is sooo sad just to be away with your special someone.

    Regarding with naming children. I already have names ready for my upcoming babies (lol!) If it’s a girl I think I’ll name here Melora Samantha or Melora Athena. I havent thought of a perfect for a boy though.

  • Reply Kenneth April 4, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    Great rules. The good part of short names though is for when you have to write them on exams, forms and such. But other than that, a full name is better.

    And the kid will be called with a name for the rest of his/her life. So it’d better be good/decent.

  • Reply benj June 1, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    I’ve met people named RAMBO, FREDOY (yes, as a real name) and oh Helga, I’m sure you know someone named NIMROD.

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