Helga from over two years ago:
I don’t want to go back to college I want to audition for Pinoy Big Brother and keep working at eTelecare instead. My new goal in life is to be absolutely and horribly jaded by the time I hit the age of 24. I also plan to be kinda-unbelievably rich by that time so I can quit my job and start hunting for that ambassador who will make an ambassadress out of me.
And then I live happily ever after until the age of 35. Or until my first socio-political (and very much public) scandal.
Written in May 2006, a couple of weeks shy of turning 21. Back then, I—
1. was listening to Brazilectro to accompany me during those hot summer nights
2. had a short-lived interest in female serial killers
3. was young and thirsty for life, or perhaps just the next quick fix or cheap thrill or what-have-you
4. had a fairly decent disposable income that mostly went to overpriced Starbucks coffee, cigarettes, and cab fare
5. dreamed of getting it right, though I was stuck in between that and being a mess
I’m turning 24 next year and I am obviously in need of brand new lifetime goals, if only to give myself something to look back on when I’m 26-going-on-27. I’d say 23 is an apt age to ask myself, in big bold letters: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, HELGA, WHAT?
To be quite honest, it’s a bit hard to answer when you have no clue what it is you like or love— anymore. I like sex. I like cats. I don’t know where exactly those two combined would lead to, but I sure hope it doesn’t include me being naked with animals and a video camera. But hey, if that’d make me big in Japan (or India), then why not.
But seriously, if I could have things my way, I’d own a pretentious little sidewalk cafe playing folksy/angry chick music all day (like…Ani DiFranco, Jill Cunniff, Emiliana Torrini, Karin Brennan, Rachael Yamagata, Fiona Apple…you get the idea) that caters to pretentious cafe poets and philosophers and musicians and the likes. They’d all want to speak to whoever owned the place because “my god, this place is so charming and so different and so special!” but they’ll never have the chance because I’ll be at the Starbucks downtown, sitting on a smoking table in my power dress and my Barbie-pink puta pumps and typing, nay, designing away on my snazzy laptop. I’ll have some fashionable or girly caffeinated drink and a pack of Marlboro Reds by my side. It’s the same thing come evening, except the caffeine has been replaced by alcohol. The drug habit is optional. Same goes for health insurance.
And back home in my three-bedroom condo in a nice part of town— because I didn’t feel like accessorizing that night— is the man I love. Husband, boyfriend, the interstitial guy— it doesn’t matter. He’s older than I am, way older, and is probably watching TV (the news) or reading a book (some intelligent book) in bed, waiting for me. I come home at 1am, barefoot and clutching my Barbie-pink puta pumps. I brush my teeth, wash my face, and crawl into bed with him. There’s good coffee and a pack of cigarettes waiting for me in the morning. My life is complete.
Funny how I have the constant need to re-affirm myself. This time, I will live beyond the age of 35.
Hi, I'm Helga Weber and welcome to my personal site. I'm 25 and in the process of learning how to make adventurous life choices. I dislike old people but I love grandma clothes. My goal in life is to build a ball pit right next to my bed. Currently searching for the perfect house coat. My lover is the greatest. 
You get all the re-affirming you want from me baby.
I had to look up “interstitial”, and I still don’t know what to think about myself.
[Reply]
btw…your little cafe that “caters to pretentious cafe poets and philosophers and musicians” will never make money, because those guys don’t like paying. Hehe. Come late afternoon, they’ll still be sipping the same cold coffee they ordered black in the morning.
[Reply]
Your lover is right about those pretentious assholes.
It creeps me out how everyone my age has the same changes in their life plan to some degree. At least the free spirits. We are all fickle things who claim to hate stability but as soon as we get that stability we plan our worlds around it. Not necessarily a bad thing. I used to be a party girl in the best way and now I’m trying to balance that part of me with the domestic part. My five year plans from now or two years ago would be vastly different.
P.S. How do you pronounce “ukay-ukay”? And what does it literally mean?
[Reply]
i ask myself that very same question every single day of my life and i still haven’t discovered the answer much to my dismay. but i really hope that you discover the answer and that you’re happy with it. :)
[Reply]
That sounds like a pretty good life. I’m a big fan of puta heels and older men too, although not so much of Starbucks.
BTW, would you like to link exchange? :D
[Reply]
My main goal in life is to avoid getting involved in something that I would look back on in 20 years and wonder where the hell all my ideals went to.
This of course means I am currently jobless and relationshipless (definitely not a word), but I like to think I’m reasonably happy (the possibility of this being a paper thin façade doesn’t bear considering).
Maybe I need new goals.
[Reply]
Sometimes I get a little depressed thinking about the uncertainty of my future. I have goals, but I don’t think the big ones are even attainable.
I’m sure you can reach your goals! Keep us posted. :)
[Reply]
you should totally join PBB. you’d win. i’ll vote for you everytime you get nominated.
[Reply]
oh i can totally picture your little sidewalk cafe! go for it! i would definitely stop by :D
[Reply]
i bought my barbie pink puta pumps last year. it’s HOT pink! but the heels aren’t that high..so it’s not super puta..maybe puta in training!
i need to make a list of things to do before i hit 25…yuck!
[Reply]
You should TOTALLY open your cafe. Why not?
I’ve recently learn that anything is possible if you put your mind to it.
Yeah I’m sure everyone heard it before, I know I have, but I’ve always thought it was corny and thought that whoever made that up should go screw themselves. But it’s not! I’ve always wanted to act, and I’m finally taking some initiative today.
[Reply]
I would totally come to your cafe, and I’d be like, “oh yeah? I read the owner’s blog when this cafe was only an idea. And she’s awesome and way too cool for all of you people!”
Yup. True story!
And cats and sex are awesome.
[Reply]
It’s good that once in a while you revise your goals and modify them if necessary, so you live, you know, to be older than 35. Unless you’re trying to escape the wrinkles. Hehe.
After reading this I think I should reconsider what I want for myself :P
[Reply]
Ah, so I’m not the only one going through a paradigm shift!
Seriously, being a grown-up sucks.
[Reply]
[...] NEW LIFETIME GOALS. but they’ll never have the chance because I’ll be at the Starbucks downtown, sitting on a smoking table in my power dress and my Barbie-pink puta pumps and typing, nay, designing away on my snazzy laptop. I’ll have some fashionable or … [...]