I think that, as far as normal and proper go, my single, childless self will never have a conventionally happy Christmas. And quite frankly, I’m a little tired of it. You know it’s bad when you look back on blog entries from three years ago, hoping that circumstances have changed majorly, hoping for something unrecognizable (now that you’re older, now that you are capable of making changes, now that you finally have your life in your hands and under your control— things like that) and you find yourself…disappointed at how familiar everything still is.
LJ entry, December 17, 2005 (oh, how I remember this month of that year, and how badly in need I was of holiday cheer and how I didn’t get it):
New Year’s is the only thing I’m looking forward to. Christmas is going to be spent with my parents at the house in Antipolo, which is devoid of sparkly lights, gifts, tinsel and anything else related to Christmas. I’m probably going to spend the 24th and 25th sleeping or in front of the computer or watching DVDs while stuffing my face with non-Christmas food.
This does not make me happy because I will remember those years when my family used to celebrate Christmas and there were gifts to open and a tree to decorate and an inflated snowman to hug and Christmas carols to sing along to.
[...]
I swear, when I have my own family, Christmas will be celebrated every year. I’m going to do all those annoying Filipino traditions, like start decorating the house as soon as the -BER months hit and won’t take them down until February. I will search high and low for an inflatable snowman, just like the one we used to have in our house in Los Banos, so my children would have something plastic and poofy to hug. I will also let them put whatever they want to put on top of the tree, just like how my brother and I would take turns putting our favorite toys on top of ours.
And I will not be boring and uncreative and just hand them money because I will give them real gifts wrapped in Christmassy paper with gold ribbons on top. The gifts will be unexpected and surprises, because I remember how happy I was this one Christmas when my mom and I went shopping and she wouldn’t buy me this toy gun I wanted, and then come Christmas morning, I open one of the gifts and there it was.
Okay, I’m making myself sad again. Last year’s Christmas was fun, but it can never compare to my childhood Christmasses when it was just the four of us in a little town, snapping photos of two happy kids opening presents and two happy parents opening badly-wrapped packages with scraggly “Merry Christmas Mommy and Daddy”s written all over them.
Last year’s Christmas was fun…? Luckily, that LJ account held my blog entries to as early as April 2004. A few clicks and I found this:
LJ entry, December 25, 2004:
I fell on my left arm and my cousin pushed me towards a wall and so I am now drubk, paralyzed (my left-side, that is), with a massive bukol on my head. I am also v v v v hoarse, thanks to the videoke machine.
I was crying like anything half an hour ago. And then I decided to just eat the pain away (with my right hand side). Until my moomy came along and said:
Anak, don’t over-eat again. Pag nalaglag ka na naman, naku.
I’m, crying again. Headache.
I can’t find my cam and my phone. Which is kinda irowneec, since my phone is glow in the darkey.
My knee hurts, too. And I think I’m bleeding.
Right. Sounds like fun.
Stuff for your promotional items. Yay.
Hi, my name's Helga Weber and welcome to my personal site. I'm 23. My first socio-political scandal will happen at the age of 35 and will include men, sushi, an African country, and lots of money. My lover is the greatest. 
DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS PAN DE SAL
Um. DRUGS?
Anyway, yah. I hate Christmas, too. *hugs*
I love New Year’s. It’s just Christmas that fucks me up.
now i know why my moms decorates the way she does. i should make a video of it just for the hell of it.
it sucks that your parents don’t celebrate christmas anymore b/c y’all are grown up.
lol @ i THINK i’m bleeding *dies*
Ah man, you definitely beat me in the competition of the worst Christmas ever. Hopefully this one turns out VISEVERSA!
I still have that little kid in me that looks forward to Christmas entirely too much and it’s pretty important to me, and I know what you mean when you say it’s not the same as when you were a kid. Then again, I don’t find life nearly as fun being an adult but hay thats life. Whatever. O_o
I say we both go in a time capsule and return to childhood asap!
I am not looking forward to Christmas. Heck, I am not even looking forward to anything anymore.
I, like you, am getting tired because everything is acutely familiar.
Does it make sense? oh Gawd, I need Prozac.
The last time I’ve celebrated Christmas was… three or four years ago, when my sister was still living here and she cooks Morcon every now and then and roast beef with gravy and fruit salad.
:P
you just written out what I’m feeling. when i’ve finally accepted that Christmas are merrier for kids and appreciated the holiday with family, they go abroad.
It sucks that you are not happy at a time like this. Well, it sucks if you are not happy at all… but you know what I mean. But this doesn’t mean that it will be like this forever. Someday you will look back at your journal entries and notice change. Let’s hope that “change” will start this year, and if not, maybe the year after. *hugs*
your so emo….
hahaha
watcha got homie ^_-
Hope you don’t kill me. I think it’s cutesy… really.. hehe
I’m going to PM you my emo Holiday poems later. :D
“I am also v v v v hoarse, thanks to the videoke machine.” – LOL
Wow. I love Christmas. And I still enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed it since I was a kid.
So it’s not just my mom who puts up the Christmas decorations the same time the Halloween decors go down! I thought it was weird that we have a Christmas tree by November 1st. I didn’t think it was tradition lol
I wish this Christmas cheers you up, Helga. =]