A Timeline Of Sorts

Age 5: Kindergarten 2 Helga’s defining moment of the whole school year is her going up to the chalkboard and correctly solving the math problem in front of her peers (who were most likely not paying any attention at all). She may be incapable— at the age of 23— to count past a hundred, but she will always know that 2+3=5.

Age 7: Helga comes to terms with the fact that she will never be a Little Miss Philippines, a gymnast, a ballerina, or Candy Candy.

Age 8: Helga comes to terms with the fact that she will never be Wendy, surrogate mother to the Lost Boys, either. Makes a conscious effort to stop forcing herself to fly “in her sleep”.

Age 10: Physical Ed. She does 86 sit-ups and pwns everyone in her class— girls and boys.

Helga: We had to do sit-ups for PE. I did 86 sit-ups. I pwnd everyone
Lover: hahhaha. I used to be able to do 100 upside down. 4 sets of 25.
Helga: O YA? HOW OLD WERE YOU?!?!?!?!?!
Lover: yeah. Hmm…18? I had mad abs hehe
Helga: I WAS 10! WHEN I DID 86 SIT UPS!
Lover: Hehehe. Fine!

Age 11: Helga falls in love for the first time with a boy named Taylor Hanson.

Age 12: She kicks a boy in the nuts because he was talking smack about Hanson TO HER FACE!! Discovers the internet; she finds it awesome.

Age 17: Moves to the big city. Loses five pounds during her first week of college, prompting relatives to ask if she’s doing drugs. Spends a lot of nights hanging out at her neighborhood Starbucks, walking home at two in the morning with her male best friend from high school. While walking, they’d create lines of poetry that they’d yell at the moon.

Age 17.5: Male best friend from high school admits to her he’s gay. There is finally hope for her to be a fag hag fruit fly.

Age 18: Gay male best friend from high school drops out of college and moves back to the boonies. Helga starts dating and sleeping with the wrong and worst kind of men, but not as the result of.

Age 19: Spends the whole first semester of her junior year a drunken stoned mess. Is still dating and sleeping with the wrong and worst kind of men, the result and cause of.

Age 20: At a hundred and five pounds and looking wonderfully wanarexic skinny (yet needing a steady supply of blemish acne cream for the pimple farm on her forehead), she flips the nightmare that is her Little-Thesis-That-Could-But-Wouldn’t the middle finger. Makes the biggest mistake of her life. Is still dating and sleeping with the wrong and worst kind of men.

Age 21: Is still dating and sleeping with the wrong and worstest kind of men.

Age 22: Helga sets a record and goes through four men in less than four months. Man #5 comes along and she falls in love.

Age 23: Remedies the mistake she committed at age 20 by getting a normal job. Life, it is wonderful.

=)

MOVIES, I.

You could easily say that, like music (and apparently, men. And books. And oh, everything else in life), I don’t have the best taste in movies. In fact, my preferences border on crappy and just plain bad. My all-time favorite movie? Alien Versus Predator. PART 2. My all-time favorite band? Linkin Park. My all-time favorite book? Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, of course!*

Now since I’m all for self-improvement and betterment and stuff, I’ve made it my current (and probably short-lived) mission to make myself not cine-stupid. What better way to carry out this plan than to turn to the internets and milk this what-a-technologies! for all its worth? Hello, torrent sites, welcome me. My download list for this month (bolded are completed downloads):

Across the Universe
Be Kind Rewind
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Cloverfield
Dainipponjin
Desperadas
Fanboys
Horton Hears a Who!
In Bloom
Into the Wild
Lars and The Real Girl
Lust, Caution
Margot at the Wedding
Once
Snakes On A Plane
The Babysitters
The Other Boleyn Girl
The Savages
Young People Fucking

The problem with me is that I have the attention span of a doorknob and unless there is absolutely nothing else to do, I can’t ever stay put and devote my full attention to a movie. This is why I dislike watching in theaters because that’s two hours of me chained to a seat (and without a cigarette). Watching at home isn’t so bad, except it takes me hours to finish one movie. True story: it took me four hours to watch Talladega Nights (I kept on pausing to do other things, like the laundry and cook) and it took six hours for Teeth (I kept pausing to Plurk about how boring and horrible it was and to read up on mortgage lenders).

So yes. Wish me luck that I actually find the time and the will to watch all these movies I’ve downloaded.

*Please don’t take me seriously. While I liked AVP2 (if only because I loved the first one), my favorite movie is Chasing Amy. And 2046. And Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo+Juliet. And Almost Famous. My favorite band would be Hanson and my all-time favorite book (after much deliberation and for purely decadent reasons) would be Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls. Kthx.

WORDCAMP PHILIPPINES 2008.

My geek panties are wet: finally, WordCamp Philippines! Damn right I’ll be there, if only to have my photo taken with the most important Matt in the world.

I remember the first time I introduced myself to WP: it was the day Pope John Paul died. It was foreign and all gibberish and no amount of reading the documentation helped. I absolutely hated it. An entry about WordPress I wrote three years ago, after a couple of weeks of trying to make sense out of it:

I FUCKING HATE WORDPRESS FOR BEING SO FUCKING COMPLICATED WITH ITS PHP AND FUCKED UP CODES. YOU TWEAK IT AND IT WORKS FINE AND THEN YOU DO SOMETHING ELSE AND THE PREVIOUS CUSTOMIZATION FUCKS THE FUCK UP AND SO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER LIKE A FUCKING PHILLIPS COMMERCIAL OR HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU SPELL IT, YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUT THE FIRST CUSTOMIZATION JUST SO IT’D LOOK THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT REALLY, IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK THAT FUCKING WAY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO LOOK LIKE SOMETHING ELSE BUT BECAUSE IT’S FUCKED UP AND BECAUSE WORDPRESS SUCKS MICHAEL JACKSON’S COCK YOU HAVE TO MAKE DO WITHOUT THE PRETTIFYING CUSTOMIZATION.

GOD, THIS WORLD SUCKS.

I ran back to my LJ overrides after that. I gave WordPress another shot a year later. It’s been two years and here I am, absolutely in love with it. So devoting a whole Saturday to nothing else but WP? Awesomecakes.

Party invitations! I mean, the official sponsors:

WordCamp Philippines will be held on September 6, 2008 at the Augusto-Rosario Gonzalez Theater in College of St. Benilde. Organized by Mindanao Bloggers. See ya there =)

SO THERE’S THIS SLEAZEBAG…

O hai, I has kweschun: What would you do if you woke up one early morning and you realize that the guy sleeping beside you (who is not your boyfriend or anyone you’re dating, for that matter) was rubbing your right nipple?

Scared Kitty

YOU MAKE KITTY SCARED (READING REVIEWS ON ALLI)

First, I pushed his hand away (hindsight tells me I should’ve gotten up and punched him in the face). Then I turned my back on him. I was scared and I wanted to cry (this was my same reaction when, months ago on my way to school, the dude seated to my left in the FX lightly touched my left boob). Anger came a short while later. I had to endure several hours of being two inches away from the sleazebag, all the while I was thinking: “do I let this pass? Do I pretend nothing happened?” Backtrack to a couple of months or so ago when this same dude was trying to hug me in my sleep. I had pushed him away, too, yet said nothing the next morning. Obviously, somebody needs to learn a lesson and keep his hands to himself. When I finally woke up and was lucid, I was in a sour mood and ready to shank a bitch.

It takes a lot to anger me. Sure, I am easily rattled and it doesn’t take much provocation to send me into a verbal frenzy of cursing, but I hardly ever resort to violence. Not even that time when I was pinned up against a metal railing by a guy who then proceeded to grind his crotch up my ass, or when this tricycle driver held my hand when I gave him my fare. This was too much, though, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, think of any other way to deal with what had happened.

I caught him unaware, like he did me. He was sleeping when I smacked him several times. With a shoe.

I smacked him so hard (at least I’d like to think so) that the shoe flew off my hand and landed several feet away.

Is that how you get your jollies, asshole? Obviously, you fail with fully-conscious women, so you choose to have a go at them while they’re asleep and, to a certain extent, defenseless. You better pray I don’t ever see you again. Just so you know, my knee? It has an appointment with your ‘nads. And just like the last time, I’m going to make sure you didn’t see it coming.

CATS OF OUR (FUTURE) LIVES.

Next to cheese, useless stuff on sale, and the smell of victory in the morning, there is nothing I love more than cats (especially the LOL breed). Obviously, I think cats make awesome— if not the best— pets and I honestly want to feed a puppy to a polar bear everytime a non-cat person disagrees with me. I’m kidding, of course. I love all animals and we currently have two adorable puppies whose pictures you can see here.

I asked the lover the other day how many pet cats we’re allowed to have (the plan is to have a dog, a bunny, and many many cats). He said we’re/I’m allowed to have two, three at the most, and if we have any more than that, they’ll have to stay outside.

HOUSTON, WE HAS PROBLEM. HOOJ HOOJ PROBLEM. You see, I want and will have the following cats, no matter what:

CAT BLANCHETT Oriental Shorthair Cat

Cat Blanchett aka Oriental Shorthair aka Pink Panther kitteh. According to its description on breedlist.com, OS’s are talkative, playful, acrobatic, and energetic. They also come in red.

Chartreux Cat Chartreux Cat

Fat kitteh aka Chartreux. Look at that cutie! The lover approves of this cat (he begged me to pick cute ones, saying I know what he likes) and you can apparently adopt them (not buy!) in the US. I want a blue-coated orange-eyed smiley kitty! My Chartreux shall be named Jean-Paul Sartre.

British Shorthair Cat British Shorthair Cat

British Shorthair. It’s a cat, not a bear. My British Shorthair will be named Bamba Cat.

Scottish Fold Cat Scottish Fold Cat

Scottish Fold aka Owl Kitteh! They look greedy and the type who’d steal our children’s lunches, but they’re apparently very chill and affectionate cats. As they are extra cute and funny-looking, I will have two earless cats. Maybe name them Lunch and Dinner.

Bambino Cat

Baby cats aka the Bambino! Like chihuahuas, they’re so ugly (and wrinkly!) that they’re cute. According to the horrified, yet optimistic lover, the upside to having a Bambino named Gary is that they’re hairless (no having to deal with cat hair) and that our kids won’t be scared of shit, having something like that for a family pet. They supposedly keep their kitten-like behavior their whole life.

Traditional Siamese Traditional Siamese

Peachy cat aka Peachy Pie aka P-Pie (Traditional Siamese). My cat will still be around in the future, of course.

That’s at least six cats right there. Now how do I convince the lover.

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